Rating: PG-13 for epic use of the word shag
Summary: Sirius talks to Remus about Tonks and her shagability. Sequel(ish) to the wondrous "Conversations about a Werewolf" by dearest Becca.
A/N: I never really finished it, it just sort of petered out. Would appreciate rec's for a better ending. One-shot, likely, but if Becca provides more ideas, I may continue.
“I know something you don’t know,” Sirius singsonged, bouncing into the library of number 12 Grimmauld place.
“Do you?” Remus asked, not looking up from his book.
“Yes. It’s about you,” Sirius said, tossing himself onto the rickety old sofa and landing heavily on top of Remus’s legs.
“I would tell you that hurt, but you probably wouldn’t care,” Remus said dryly, looking down at his friend.
“Didn’t you hear me?” Sirius said. “I know something about you! It’s juicy, too.”
“Well if you aren’t going to ask, then maybe I won’t tell you.”
“That would be a shame.”
There was a pause. Sirius seemed torn between withholding his gossip in order to further pester his friend, and letting it out to have more fun.
“It’s about Tonks.”
Remus looked up, unable to hide his interest. “Ah.”
“She wants to shag you.”
If Remus had been drinking any sort of liquid, he assuredly would have spit it out at that moment. Instead, he let out a choked noise of shock and horror.
“She does not.”
“Oh, and she told you this?”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Well, it’s true. I think you should shag her.”
“You’re insane. I didn’t think it was true, you know, when I read it in the papers, but the Prophet got it right for once.”
“You know you want to shag her.”
“Moony, why would I make this up?” Sirius said beseechingly. “You know I’m on your side. I want you to get shagged just as much as you do – probably more, come to think of it. And it’s true, just ask Molly, she’ll tell you the same thing. Though she’ll probably talk more about feelings and the like instead of the shagging. That’s where I come in. You should shag her.”
“It is not.”
“Look, Sirius, even if by some insane stroke of… insanity, Tonks did have some sort of… passing fancy in me, I would absolutely not take advantage of it.”
“Because I’m old. And she’s very young.”
“All the more reason.”
“I’m also a werewolf.”
“I’ll bet you she thinks that’s hot. I know I do.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “Right.”
“No, really. She’s been asking about you. And your sexual habits.”
“She has not.” Remus looked scandalized.
“Yes she has! Okay, not about the sex part, but about the you part.”
“Well, all right then, she finds me mildly interesting. Perhaps it’s just because I’m a dark creature, ever thought of that?”
“Bollocks. That only makes you interesting until people meet you and discover you’re all books and cardigans. Come on, Moony. Just shag her.”
“Shut up,” Remus said, as somebody opened the door and stepped into the room.
“Shag who?” Arthur asked genially.
“Er,” Sirius said, darting glances from Remus to Arthur. “Ginny.”
“What!?” Arthur roared.
“Sirius!” Remus cried. “No, Arthur, we’re not talking about Ginny, and for Merlin’s sake, Sirius, stop being a bloody idiot.”
“Well, I thought it would be a good cover.”
“It wasn’t,” Remus said.
“So we’re not talking about Ginny, then?” Arthur asked, still a bit menacingly.
“Of course not,” Remus said.
“Ah, that’s good, because I would have had to kill you and I’m sure Harry wouldn’t have appreciated that,” Arthur said. “Who’re you shagging, then?”
“Nobody,” Remus said in exasperation.
“Yet,” Sirius added. “I’m trying to convince him that he should be.”
“We’re talking about Tonks, right?” Arthur asked.
“Of course,” Sirius said.
“Wha – why d’you say that?” Remus stammered.
“Well it’s quite obvious, isn’t it?” Arthur said. “I may not always be up-to-date on the rumor mill, but I’m quite certain that I’ve heard that Tonks has been inquiring about you.”
“So she’s just plain curious, like I said!” Remus shot at Sirius.
“There’s nothing to be curious about unless she fancies you,” Sirius replied.
“Arthur, talk some sense into him,” Remus said, appealing to the older man.
“Well, Remus, I’m afraid I’m going to have to side with Sirius on this one,” Arthur said. “Tonks is a lovely girl and she does seem interested in you.”
“Can’t imagine why, he’s such a stubborn prude,” Sirius put in.
“Even if she is interested, which I still do not believe by any stretch of the imagination, it would be absolutely inappropriate. For one thing, there is the age difference – ”
“Age is just a number,” Sirius said sagely.
“And then there’s my – condition,” Remus said.
“Which clearly doesn’t bother her, as well it shouldn’t.”
“And then there’s – well – there’s a bloody war about to start, if you all have gone mad and haven’t noticed? Now’s not exactly the time to start up a relationship, is it?”
“Then when is?” Arthur said softly. “You know, Molly and I married not long before the first war started – 24 years ago now. We hadn’t known each other very well for very long, and of course a lot of people thought it was stupid, but we figured that we might not have a whole lot of life left to live, so we had best have our good times while we could.” Arthur smiled fondly. “Luckily we’ve had a lot of good times since then, and d’you know, as terrified as I was, marrying that spitfire all those years ago, I haven’t regretted it for one moment.”
“Buck up, man, don’t go all weepy on us,” Sirius said after a moment of silence. “Remus is just looking for a shag, aren’t you, mate?”
“Oh, shut up,” Remus grumbled.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”